Gary Coleman, we hardly knew thee.
We here at DasReviews, being children of the 80s, grew up watching Gary Coleman. Through him, we learned about epilepsy, bedwetting, saying no to drugs, pedophiles, bulimia, hitchhiking, and black goldfish. We learned that old, white benefactors can be cool, having a ginger for a friend isn’t too bad, and replacing E’s with apostrophes make things that much cooler. We also learned that having a catch phrase isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and that trusting your parents with your money isn’t a good idea at all. Most of all, we learned to not get into fights with 200-lb women in malls.
Despite your tough and sometimes very unfair life, G-cole (can we call you that?), you made an impact on all of us here. So we’d like to salute you the only way We all know how: Video Games.
Gary struggled with finding work during the later years of his life. All we’re thinking is… there could have been tons of roles for him. Just think:
7 Video Game Characters Gary Coleman could have played in a Movie
7. Little Mac
Yes, it’s been brought to my attention that Little Mac wasn’t that little, nor was he a black man. But, he was downright diminutive compared to his gargantuan opponents, like Von Kaiser and Super Macho man. Perfect for Gary Coleman. Who better to slip in the mind of a height-challenged would-be champ than “The Coleman”? Plus, with the recent semi-outrage over white-washed casting *ahem*Thelastairbenderandprinceofpersia*ahem*, we figure …why not?
6. Gon from Tekken 3
Because few people knew, but Gary Coleman has very small arms and could hardly reach his own mouth. That last sentence was entirely untrue. Look, Gon’s small, alright.
5. Gnomes from Golden Axe
Gary was all about giving, after all.
4. Black Smurf
I swear, there was a Smurf video game at some point. And there were black smurfs in it. They would infect regular Smurfs by biting them and would run around yelling “Gnap! Gnap!”
3. Tom Toms from Kung Fu/Kung Fu Master
After hearing about Gary Coleman’s very public mall fisticuffs scandal, I immediately thought about these guys. I mean the link is clear, right? I dunno, but I’m sure if Gary Coleman succesfully somersaulted onto my head, it would probably hurt.
2. Himself from Postal 2
Ok. This one’s kinda cheating. But come on… it’s Gary Coleman with an automatic weapon. Automatic win.
1. Regular Mario.
Regular, non-mushroom, coming up to the princess’ waist, Mario.
So you see, there totally could have been more work for the man. Hollywood, you evil machine. Big ups to Gary, wherever you are. I can hear you now: “What chu talkin’ about Yahweh?”
