Soldiers, There Is A Female In Our Ranks

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Dear Nicky Loomis,

We want to commend you on a job well done infiltrating the gamer elite. You went toe to toe with the hardcore of the hardcore and while you were destroyed, you emerged unscathed. Sure, you got more than your fair share of cusses and probably some words that you had to look up on Urban Dictionary but ultimately you learned from it. But we don’t think you learned the right lesson.

You used the analogy of guys standing outside a nail salon peering through the window but I think you underestimated the degree of hardcore and your analogy was lacking. Take that group of guys and stick them in the middle of a back stage rush at the biggest beauty pageant you can find and I think you are on the right level. A nail salon is the equivalent of a Rock Band party where the guys only play Metallica songs. Not a feminine ideal but it’s nowhere near the blood spilling of your modern shooter. You were smack dab in the middle of the most heterosexual male bonding event you could find without leaving your living room.

Yes, most gamers are guys. Yes, these games are just a digital reflection of the need to be an alpha male and the testosterone ridden angst that has plagued men since they started growing hair in funny places. But if you just walked onto an NFL football field in full pads in the middle of the Superbowl, you would get creamed. For really reals. Now, if you walked onto that field in a pink skirt with pigtails carrying a cute little doggy, the game would stop and you would get all the attention you wanted.

If while gaming you had presented yourself as the cute bubbly female that you are, you probably would have gotten a lot more positive attention. Maybe you should have changed your gamer name to ‘Unicorns-n-Rainbows’ and gone all girly on the color scheme. You know, really let them know that you were a girl. I bet people would have stopped shooting you so much. In fact, it would have been a great tactic because people would have been confused over the presence of a lady folk.

Unless you’re complaining about the guys in the other room. Maybe the reason why they were having more fun being imaginary wizards is because you girls weren’t being very fun in the first place. You have to reach some sort of middle ground here ladies. We can’t go 90 all the time. Talking to the other girls on the terrace didn’t get you anywhere but the moment you picked up that controller, I bet you got all kinds of attention.

Diatribes aside, we welcome you to our ranks. This is a hobby for us (and an obsession for some) and we love it. We bet if you started by walking in the door of our nail salon and trying out some different games, you might want to pull up a chair and sit with us. Who knows, some lucky guy might take off his wizard cap and notice the princess sitting next to him.

Game on, noob.

PS. Gamers, girls are amidst. Brush your hair and tuck in your shirt. Stop using the swears. This is our chance!

PPS. This letter is a response to Nicky’s article about her adventures playing Call of Duty.